You would think that we would have gotten the results back exactly 24 hours later, right?? Me too! Apparently, that is not how things go. We waited most of the day in anticipation and worry. No high risk doctor to be seen. Finally my doctor came by and said that the results were “marginal”. What does that mean?? Well…it means that his lungs aren’t all the way mature but they are really close. So what do we do with this? Answer: we wait for the high risk doctor to come by. COME ON!!

During this time we asked everyone what this meant – everyone from my doctor, to my dad, to the neonatologists that were friends of ours that were coming by to check in on me. All said the exact same thing as above. I was beyond frustrated.

Our Pastor, John Kenney, came by to visit me on this day. His first words were “Sarah MacDonald, God has a sense of humor with you!”. We all laughed but really…he was on to something. This recurring theme that I could only really see now looking back was that God was slowly breaking me. My drive for perfection and planning everything is good when used for certain things but not when I feel that I am in control of everything and God is in the passenger seat. I had placed Him in the passenger seat and was trying very hard to keep him there……

I went to bed that Monday night with no answers….only more confusion and doubting God.

On Tuesday morning, Matt left for his doctor’s appointment. He has been having back pains and finally got in to see a doctor (of course it would be this week!!). After his appointment, he went home to get Will’s room ready and pretty much complete my to-do list for me. OH – did I mention that our vacuum cleaner died on us the week before all of this?? So my house was a WRECK and I couldn’t do anything about it. Thankfully, the vacuum was fixed and Matt did clean our house for me (one thing off the to-do list).

My mom came and stayed with me while Matt was gone. As fate would have it, my doctor stopped by while Matt was gone to give us an update. She said she had spoken to the high risk doctor on the phone and they both agreed to wait a week from the amniocentesis and then do a c-section. She had already booked the OR for Monday June 23 at 12:30pm.

I immediately called Matt and told him I needed him to come back because I had to process through all of this with him. He sounded relieved on the phone but I was not having those say emotions.

FINALLY an answer to prayer – that someone would just make a decision for me. You would think I would be completely relieved but I was not. This was then one of the first times that I completely lost it emotionally. I started crying and could not stop. All I could think about was if this was the best decision for our baby. What if he didn’t survive? What is he did survive but because he came so early, he had defects that would be with him his entire life? Was I being selfish taking the “easy” way out to finally be out of pain? Am I already a horrible mother for doing this?

When Matt got there he did not even know how to handle me at this point. He was so sweet and comforting. Truly my rock through all of this. He simply held me and told me we would all be okay. I remember asking him what if Will was not alright and he told me that no matter what happened, we would get through this. Such power words to hear. Words I needed to hear. But God was telling me this as well but I just was not listening. He was telling me that His plan was at work and I needed to trust Him. Instead, I believed Satan’s lies which were that my plan was better and God’s plan was only putting my family in danger.

There was so much noise that I couldn’t hear God’s sweet voice until later…..