God was really working on me during all of this. The one major thing throughout was this: His plan is so much better than my plan could ever be. How easy is that to say but how hard is it for us to actually understand? For all of this, I had my plan completely mapped out and I was VERY prepared for our son (at least I thought). You see, when we start believing so much in our plans, we forget to seek God’s guidance in His ultimate plan for us.
I mentioned in a previous post that God and I had many conversations that were 1-way (me yelling at Him). I doubted His goodness, His faithfulness, His plan.
After being home from the hospital, I slowly started spending more time with God and resumed my quiet time. I began working on a study of James by Beth Moore. In one lesson, God hit me with a ton of bricks.
Here was the scripture that spoke to me: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double minded and unstable in all they do.” – James 1:5-8
Ouch.Ouch.Ouch. Basically I shouldn’t have expected anything from Him because I doubted Him. Here is the good news – He knows me inside and out and yet He still provides me everything I need, even when I am at my lowest point (even when that low point means being mad at him).
What has this taught me now? I do not want to be like a wave of the sea being blown and tossed by the wind. I want to stand firm in the hope and peace of God’s promises. In order to do this, I must know what those promises are and they are found in His word. I look at scripture in a new way now. I look for those promises as well as the “tasks” that I need to do. It has completely changed the way I read scripture but also my outlook in so many situations. When we are grounded in His promises, things/problems just don’t seem that big anymore.
